Wednesday, January 18, 2017
MY black dog is marriage...
I have a friend who refers to her depression as her "black dog" and as far as I know other people do to. I don't suffer from depression but from a desperate marriage. We have been married for a very long 11 years, 4 months and 1 day, together for 19 years. Its been wonderful and terrible all at the same time. We argue, disagree, fight ... some days I really feel like if I never see Mr K again, I will be happy. Being married and staying married is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do and keep on doing.
Sure, we have good days. Hell, we have good weeks but then for months we are just not on the same page. We disagree about everything. I always think back to the compulsory marriage counselling we did before we got married... The minister just shook his head and said A"you two are in for a rough ride." I still wonder what exactly he meant as we were obviously on our best behaviour infront of a mininster.
I often wonder about other people's relationships when I see their Facebook posts about being all loved up and blissfully happy. Is that REAL? Our marriage is a struggle. Its not easy. Its NEVER easy. We are so happy and then we are just so NOT happy. The kids are demanding and wonderful and busy. So often people say they don't know how we do it because our kids really are busy but I am a firm believer that they should be allowed to explore their world. I know they will find their way and one of these days they will have preferences and we won't be racing between 3 activities in one morning. It is hell on our marriage though because Mr K often feels that his parents would never have done this for him and I know for a fact my mom would have done it in a heartbeat.
We spoke about divorce so many times and about 4 years ago after a particularly bad fight we decided to be on the same page about this. Divorce is not an option. We need to make this work. This was OUR choice and the kids are not allowed to suffer because we are both being stubborn and selfish. I have tried to be a Godly submissive wife but my mouth always gets in the way. I often joke that our saving grace is that we both love sex. (Mom, you should probably not be reading this.... ) We often fix our disagreements with sex. As in - we agree to disagree so lets just have sex so that we can both feel like we are winning. I have so much to say about sex but that is a whole other long story. I want to write my daughter a very long letter about why I think sex is so important in any relationship.
I often wonder what baggage my kids will carry through life because of our marriage. I hope they will see that its real. We don't hide our feelings, we FEEL them. I wonder if one could call it passion? Perhaps its my red hair... I feel things passionately. Our kids know that we don't agree about things and then we sort it out and we move on. Are we normal? Do most people just get on like a house on fire and love each other or is there more marriages like ours?
***side note - there is NO violence in our marriage. No shouting or any physical arguments. I would never stay in a marriage without respect and even though we hate each other's guts we do have respect. This is after all the father of my children.